I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize