bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
