Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
