i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
