her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
please come you make the beer taste better
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize