I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
