Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
