OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
