Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Randomize
