what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
