Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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