Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
