i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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