She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize