He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
