Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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