You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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