I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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