wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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