I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
