My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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