I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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