Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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