we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize