Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
