the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize