I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize
