dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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