don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
