So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
i need some magic done to my vagina
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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