your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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