YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
