....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
