I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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