Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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