before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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