Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
