the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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