i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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