I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
