Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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