Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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