Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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