He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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