I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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