FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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