you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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