I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
