when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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