I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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