Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
