I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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