Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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