finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
