I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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