and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I could fuck to npr.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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