1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
