halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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