I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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