Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
