shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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