What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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