Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Randomize
