i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
