I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize