Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
