She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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