so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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