maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
