i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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