Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
