I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
